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  “Gute,” Seth said. “I was running out of things to say.”

  “I am sorry about the blubbering.”

  “Every time we meet, you cry. I am starting to wonder if there is something wrong with me.”

  “Nae, there is something wrong with me.”

  “Not likely.”

  “Okay,” she said, her voice shaking like a leaf in the wind. “Okay, I want to apologize for being a snob.”

  “That is out of the blue.”

  “It has been too long in coming.”

  He sprouted a sheepish grin. “Why in the world would you think you are a snob?”

  “A wise young man told me.”

  Seth looked down at his hands. “He sounds like a rude young man to me.”

  “I am grateful to him for showing me the truth.”

  “Miriam, I never should have said that to you. It was in a moment of anger, and I wish every day I could take it back.”

  “Will you forgive me?” Miriam said.

  “You don’t have to apologize—”

  “Quit avoiding this, Seth Lambright.”

  He threw up his hands in surrender. “Yes, I forgive you, a thousand times over, if you’ll forgive me for saying it. We understand each other better now. I do not think you are a snob.”

  “Anymore.”

  He curled up the corners of his mouth. “Okay, not anymore.”

  “I heard two women behind that screen door. They talked about my brother and my family the way I used to gossip about your family with…”

  Seth’s eyes stopped dancing. “Ephraim.”

  “Jah.”

  “It doesn’t matter.”

  “I am so ashamed. I thought I felt compassion for you, but in reality, I judged your mother for her illness and decided that your parents were neglectful in rearing their children. I wish I had been a different person back then. I wish hadn’t been so blind to my own faults. I am very sorry for how I behaved.”

  Seth stared at her for what seemed like an eternity. His solemn expression melted into a cautious smile. “Thank you. That means a great deal to me.”

  “I want to be a better person, Seth. To love better and to quit casting judgment.”

  “My friend Doug says that when something bad happens to someone, it’s normal to seek a reason, to tell ourselves that they somehow deserved the bad thing. It helps us to make sense of life. Even the disciples thought that way. When they saw a blind man, they asked Jesus who had sinned to cause the man to be born blind. Do you remember His answer?”

  “He said that neither had the man nor his parents sinned but so the works of God could be made manifest.”

  “Jah. We shouldn’t consider our trials a curse from God for some bad behavior or believe that God does not love us if He lets us suffer. The greatest One of all was despised and rejected by men. He was perfect and sinless, yet He suffered. None of us is greater than He.”

  “But Ephraim says we are blessed when we follow the Commandments. Doesn’t the Bible say that?”

  “We are blessed when we try to follow the Commandments. But that doesn’t mean unfortunate things won’t befall us. Ephraim believes that nothing bad has ever happened to him because of the righteousness of his family. That is what Job’s friends thought too, but they were wrong and God chastised them for their unrighteous judgment.”

  “It wonders me if there is a reason for anything, then.”

  Seth looked away and fixed his eyes on a lone fence post. “I finally gave up asking why my mamm took her own life. I cannot work out an answer that brings any peace. I must trust in God and lean not to my own understanding. When something bad happens to us, it is easy to become bitter with God if we don’t understand why it happened. But the opposite is true also. When good things happen to us, we can be tempted to be proud. We think that maybe God loves us more than someone else. He doesn’t. Rotten things happen to people who are minding their own business, doing their best to live as God wants them to.”

  Like he had in the stable yesterday, Seth gently laid his hand over hers for a moment before quickly pulling it away. The gesture felt like a warm blanket. “I am very sorry. What you heard at that door must have stung.”

  “Mostly because I’ve heard those same words come out of my mouth. It was dreadful to come face-to-face with my own weakness.”

  “I hope you will not let it burden you. Someone like you should always be smiling.” He leaned back on his hands. “How is Yost?”

  “He tries to be contrary and angry, but he is hurting badly. You were right about his conscience plaguing him. He won’t admit it, but he feels terrible about what he did. Most people try to be understanding, but a few look at him with suspicion or avoid him altogether.”

  “What does Ephraim think?”

  Tears sprang up again. “He hasn’t talked to me since the night Yost came home from detention.”

  Seth furrowed his brow. “He hasn’t?”

  “He and his brother always sit next to Yost during services, but they sat on a different bench today.”

  Seth rubbed the whiskers on his chin. “I noticed.”

  “I feel like the walls are closing in around me. I don’t know what to do.”

  “Would you like to take a walk?”

  Miriam immediately saw the advantages of being away from curious eyes. She nodded.

  “I’ll be right back,” Seth said.

  He jumped up and ran into the house. When he reappeared, he found Priscilla, who was playing in the yard, and took her by the hand and said something to her. She looked at Miriam and waved. Miriam waved back and tried her best to smile.

  Seth came back to the tree, held out his hand, and pulled Miriam to her feet. “The only bad thing about a walk is that you must forsake the shade.”

  “It is not that hot.”

  Miriam motioned to Callie, who ran around like a wild man. “Callie, tell Mamm I walked home.”

  Callie’s eyes darted to Seth. “Okay, I will tell her.”

  “Don’t forget.”

  Miriam and Seth turned and strolled down the lane in the direction of Miriam’s house. Summer wildflowers grew along the fence that separated the Yoders’ pasture from the road. It was a beautiful day for a picnic with not a hint of rain in the sky.

  “Leaving your buggy here?” Miriam said.

  “Laura will take it home. Ellie is not happy when Laura drives, but she does fine. My dat slept in this morning. Once we finally got ready to come, Ellie insisted that we were going to be late and stayed home because she refused to show up late. I am glad we were late. I got to sit by your brother.”

  “Denki. That was very kind.”

  Seth slowed his pace to match Miriam’s. “I asked Doug about Yost. He says teenage boys are difficult. Their front lobes aren’t connected by the corpus calculus—okay, that is not what he said, but it sounded like French to me. Some boys react to it extra hard.”

  “Can anything be done to help?”

  “Yost could be depressed. Doug wants to meet him.” He stopped and looked Miriam in the eyes. “Not many people know about this, but there is a small group that comes to my stable every Tuesday night, if you want to bring Yost. Doug calls it ‘group therapy.’ We talk about emotional issues people are having, like depression or anxiety. I only ask that you don’t talk about who is there or what is discussed.”

  Miriam folded her arms. Ephraim wouldn’t approve. “I don’t know if that would be good.”

  Seth glanced at Miriam. “If you don’t feel comfortable, don’t give it a second thought. Would Ephraim not like it?”

  Miriam kept quiet. That didn’t sound like a good reason, even to herself.

  He put his hands in his pockets. “Everybody deals with trouble in his own way. Ephraim might not be sure of what to say. If he is afraid of saying the wrong thing, he might stay away.” He shrugged his shoulders. “There is a gathering at Wengerds on Wednesday. Talk to him. Maybe he is waiting for you to come to him.”

&nb
sp; Miriam almost felt like smiling. “I hadn’t considered that before, but surely you must be right. Like as not I have been worried over nothing. Susie leaves on Wednesday afternoon for Canada, but perhaps I can come to the gathering after I see her to the bus.”

  “She doesn’t seem happy to be leaving.”

  “It will be a great adventure. She has never been outside the county before.”

  Seth put a hand on her arm. “Miriam, look at me. Does she want to go?”

  Miriam couldn’t meet his eyes, but she couldn’t lie to him. “The thought of going makes her ill.”

  “How long will she be gone?”

  “Until January.”

  “Why is she going, Miriam?”

  “I—I thought it best…for us.”

  Seth pressed his lips into a stiff line and considered her for a moment before his eyes grew wide. “Oh sis yuscht! I am beginning to see.” He took his hat off and ran his fingers through his hair. “She is going to have a baby, isn’t she?”

  Perhaps she should have been angry, or mortified, at Seth’s declaration, but to her surprise, Miriam felt a profound sense of relief rush over her. More inevitable tears ran down her face. “How did you know?”

  “I only just realized it. I remembered that strange encounter at the drugstore, and when I saw Susie today, I thought she didn’t look good and hasn’t for many weeks—like all the life has drained out of her.”

  Bitterness filled Miriam’s mouth. “Another testament to the wickedness of our family, Ephraim would say.”

  Seth stopped walking, took her hand, and pulled her to a stop. “Why do you say that? You must never believe it.”

  “Don’t you?”

  He studied her face. “You know Susie better than I do. Do you truly believe that your gentle sister is wicked? She is afraid of singing too loudly in church.”

  “She has committed a grievous sin.”

  “Jah, I suppose that is true, but I do not believe Susie set out to find wickedness, do you?”

  “Nae.”

  “Perhaps she tried to fulfill her need for love in a forbidden relationship.”

  Miriam thought of her conversation with Susie.

  “I only want to be loved.”

  “You are loved.”

  “I am ignored.”

  The gravel crunched beneath their shoes as they slowly walked down the road. A bird high overhead spread his wings in flight. Seth kicked a pebble near his feet. “She is guilty of letting someone stronger persuade her. She could not have completely understood what she was getting into.”

  Miriam put her hand to her heart to keep it from swelling out of her chest. “Most men are not as forgiving as you.”

  “Who am I to judge Susie?”

  “Please, keep it a secret. She would be crushed if anyone knew.”

  “I won’t tell a soul.”

  Silence prevailed between them for a few moments as a lone pickup truck passed them and kicked up a dust cloud. “She is going to deliver the baby and place it with a family in Canada and then come home. No one will ever have to find out.”

  “Your parents hope to protect her from embarrassment.”

  “My parents don’t know.”

  Seth stopped walking again. “You haven’t told your parents?”

  The kindness in his voice brought fresh tears to her eyes. It felt wonderful to receive a little sympathy. “A few weeks ago it seemed like a gute plan, for Susie and for our family. It would have spared us the disgrace…but that doesn’t seem to matter anymore. Susie could turn to dust and blow away, she’s so unhappy. I want to do what is best, but I don’t know what that is anymore.”

  Seth shook his head. “I can’t imagine what you have been going through, and I certainly do not know the right answer for your sister, but can I give you one piece of advice?”

  “Please.”

  “Your parents love Susie more than anyone else does. Talk to them. They will know what to do.”

  “I am afraid of what they will say.”

  “They would be heartbroken if they knew their daughters were bearing this burden all by themselves.”

  Earlier, Miriam had dismissed telling her parents, but when Seth made the suggestion, it seemed like the most sensible idea in the world. A burden shared was a burden lightened. “You are right. It wonders me that I didn’t do it sooner.”

  “It wonders me how you could be so brave with all you’ve had to bear.” He held her gaze with that intense look in his eyes, as if he were trying to see through her skull and read the thoughts in her head.

  Miriam’s face grew warm, and she put her hand to her forehead under the pretense of wiping her brow. “Did you know what I was trying to pay for at the drugstore?”

  “Nae. I told the girl that the Amish are very private people and asked her to show a little compassion. I don’t think she knew how to argue with that. I am sorry if you felt uncomfortable.”

  At the moment, she felt nothing but gratitude. “I was uncomfortable to even be there. If I hadn’t still been so mad at you, I would have thanked you a thousand times over.”

  “I am glad I could help.”

  Miriam saw a green mailbox with ivy twining around it and realized they had reached her house.

  Seth put his hat on his head. “Will you be all right?”

  Miriam nodded.

  “I feel very bad for Susie. I am sure that the thought of leaving her family is terrifying. And giving up her baby—I cannot imagine the heartache. It is gute she has such a sister as you to help her through this.” He gave her a half smile. “I will see you at the gathering on Wednesday night?”

  “Jah, I will come.”

  “Gute. If you will be there, I might be able to convince Laura to attend. She wants your approval on some fabric.”

  Walking backward, Seth kept his gaze fixed on her until he passed the fence that marked the edge of Bontrager property. Then he ambled down the road with his hands in his pockets.

  Miriam took the edge of her apron in one hand and swished it back and forth as she walked to the house. She let her hand glide along the railing of her porch and fingered the pink-and-cream roses on the trellis outside the front door. Burying her face in one of the blooms, she breathed in the scent of strawberry taffy.

  Even though nothing had changed, she felt lighter than she had for weeks as she walked into the house.

  Chapter 13

  Susie ran the back of her hand across her nose. “Okay. I am ready.”

  If Susie’s red, puffy eyes didn’t alert Mamm and Dat to the fact that Susie had been crying, the uncontrolled sniffling and hiccupping would have given her away immediately. Even though she was terrified of Mamm and Dat’s reaction, once Miriam persuaded her, Susie agreed that they should be told everything. The burden of the secret had become unbearable.

  After supper, their parents strolled to the bench swing that hung from a sturdy beam jutting out from a wall of the barn. The swing faced west, and they often sat there on a Sunday evening, visiting, while the children played Scrabble or Chinese checkers.

  As soon as the little boys were occupied with a game and Susie composed herself enough to go through with it, Miriam and her sister followed their parents outside.

  Miriam let Susie lead the way. After all, it was ultimately her story to tell and her life that would never be the same, no matter what she chose.

  The sky glowed orange and pink, and an occasional bird chirped an evening song. If not for the circumstances, it would have been the perfect evening to sit on the grass with Ephraim and her siblings and tell funny stories or read verses from the Bible. Ephraim would never try to steal a kiss, but perhaps on a night like this he would brush his hand over hers and squeeze her fingers affectionately when her brothers weren’t watching. He’d never attempted it before, but it was a lovely thought.

  Miriam caught up with Susie and grabbed her hand as they approached the swing. They stood in front of their parents, hand in hand, leaning on each other fo
r support.

  Dat immediately took his arm from around Mamm’s shoulders and raised his eyebrows. “This looks important.”

  “Susie has something to tell you,” Miriam said. She wrapped an arm around her sister, who seemed to wither under Dat’s curious eye.

  Mamm looked from Miriam to Susie. “What is it, dear? You have been crying. Have you changed your mind about Canada?”

  Miriam could feel Susie trembling. She squeezed Susie’s hand.

  “Something terrible has happened,” Susie said—and then her courage gave way and she pulled from Miriam and sobbed into her open hands.

  Together, Mamm and Dat stood and wrapped their arms around Miriam and Susie in a four-way hug. “What is it, Susie?” Mamm said. “What is the matter?”

  “We need to sit,” Miriam said.

  They broke the connection and sat side by side on the bench, Susie in between Mamm and Dat with Miriam on the other side of Dat. Mamm and Dat both put an arm around Susie and leaned in until their heads almost touched.

  “I can’t do it,” said Susie between sobs. “Miriam, you must tell.”

  Miriam saw no other option but the plain, painful truth served quickly and calmly. “Susie is pregnant,” she said, her voice unable to mask her own distress.

  Mamm and Dat looked at each other, their eyes wide. Their mouths sank into deep frowns.

  “How can that be?” Dat said, measuring each word as if it weighed a ton in his mouth.

  They sat in shock until Mamm took in her breath sharply. “I should have known. How could I not have recognized it?”

  A low, soft growl escaped Dat’s throat. “When did this happen? Who is the father?”

  Mamm put a hand on his knee.

  “It does not matter,” Miriam said. “What’s done is done.”

  “It is the only thing that matters.” Dat’s voice rose with his agitation. “He must do what is right by our daughter.”

  “She does not want to marry him, Dat. And he does not want to marry her.”

  “Does not want to marry her? After what he did to my daughter? Is he an Englischer, then?”